Pain
by madeleine68
Summary: No matter what, Alex knows that Olivia loves her. But sometimes it's hard . . . A/O PART TWO IS UP! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: *sighs* Not mine, not mine, not mine . . . did I mention that they're not mine?**

**Okay, here's a slightly longer A/O oneshot. Enjoy!**

Alex hates the cases like these, when she goes to bed at night unable to sleep, when images of molested little girls, murdered children, abused women, flash through her mind. She does all she can to drown out the pain, but nothing helps, not meditating, not alcohol, not sex, not even falling asleep in Olivia's arms.

Sometimes in her dreams, the faces of the victims are replaced with her own. Alex will wake up trembling, feeling his hands all over her again, just like when she was little. She'll be terrified, feeling for the first few moments that she's back there, in that hellhole she used to call a home. And Olivia, blessed Olivia who presses a glass of cold water to her parched lips, urging, "Drink, babe. Have some water. It's okay. It was just a dream," and holds her until she falls back into a fitful slumber.

She's never told Olivia about these dreams, not really. But she thinks that maybe Olivia understands anyway, or else she's just so highly attuned to Alex's feelings that she can just tell. Alex knows that Olivia can read her like a book, and even when she doesn't say the words aloud, Olivia hears them.

But sometimes there are things Alex doesn't want her to know, because she's ashamed. She couldn't deal with Olivia knowing about her childhood, the fear, the pain that she couldn't stop no matter how hard she begged and fought and pleaded. Not necessarily because she's afraid of Olivia's reaction, but because she's afraid of her own. She knows that if she talked about it, for the first time in twenty years, she wouldn't be able to hold back her tears. Olivia has never seen her cry, and if Alex has anything to say about it, she never will.

That's why Katie Tolliver has bothered her so much, why she's fought so hard. Because this monster took advantage of someone very, very vulnerable. He made Katie think that what he did to her was okay, that it was _normal_. And Alex knows exactly how that feels.

He always told her the same thing. "Shh, it's okay, Allie. This is how daddies are supposed to love their little girls. It won't hurt a bit."

It was a lie, of course, but eventually she got used to the pain. Soon it had dulled to an ache between her legs that was as familiar as it was distressing. And soon she'd trained her body to take her somewhere else, somewhere where no one could hurt her, somewhere safe. She retreated into a rich fantasyland she'd created from her books, and imagined that she was in one of them. She'd always loved books about big, happy families; these books included everything that her own family lacked, and it could all be summed up in one word. _Love_.

Now she's found the one thing she's longed for all her life. In Olivia, she's found a kindred spirit, a gentle soul who loves her more than anything and treats her like a princess. Alex wonders sometimes why Olivia stays, because relationships are supposed to be give and take, and it's usually Olivia doing all the giving and her doing all the taking. But Olivia doesn't seem to mind.

Tonight, she wakes up again in the middle of the night, paralyzed with fear from the nightmare, staring at a miniscule spot on the wall through widened eyes, trembling in trepidation.

Olivia stirs, notices Alex, and sits up too, gently massaging Alex's shoulders. "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. It was just a dream."

Alex tries to say something, but she can't push the words past her lips, and Olivia understands. She tucks a few strands of stray blonde hair, damp with sweat, behind Alex's ear and kisses her forehead. "Shh, love," she says comfortingly. "It's all right."

"I –" Alex starts, then stops, because she fears she'll start crying if she tries to speak. She takes a moment, then whispers, her voice hoarse, "I'm going to shower." She suddenly feels so dirty, and she thinks that a million showers wouldn't wash away the grime. Because the dirtiness isn't on the outside. It's on the inside.

"I'll run it for you," Olivia offers.

Alex shakes her head. "It's okay."

"What about a bath?" suggests Olivia. "We could take one together."

Alex wants to, but she fears that Olivia will see the dirtiness that's emanating from her skin, from the inside out. So she mutely shakes her head. "I'm okay."

She starts to get up, but Olivia's hand on her arm stops her. "You're always 'okay,' Alex," says the detective quietly. "But you're not. You're not okay." She hesitates. "Please, Alex. You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but please, tell me what I can do to help you. Because it's breaking my heart to see you like this."

Her words pierce Alex's heart like a knife. She hasn't realized that this is what she's been doing to Olivia. She's never wanted to hurt the woman she loves. "I'm sorry –" she begins, but Olivia interrupts her, gently caressing Alex's cheek with her soft hands, sending shivers rippling down Alex's spine.

"No, Alex. I just – how can I help you? I don't like seeing you in pain."

Alex sighs. "I can't, Olivia. I'm sorry."

Olivia takes Alex's icy hands in her own warm ones. "What can't you do?"

Alex lowers her eyes and murmurs, "Talk about it."

"Okay," says Olivia quickly. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong. But please, let me help you."

Alex can't bear to look at her. She just shakes her head. "I'm going to shower."

Olivia nods, accepting this. But first, she makes sure Alex understands something. She gently lifts Alex's chin, forcing the ADA to meet her eyes. She tenderly strokes Alex's cheek and manages a wan smile. "You're beautiful, baby," she whispers, planting a soft kiss on Alex's temple. "And I love you so, so much."

And for now, it's enough.

**Ah, one of those endings that doesn't really resolve anything. **** Hope you don't mind. Review if you liked this story!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Since my loyal readers and reviewers asked so nicely, I decided to write a second chapter for this story that actually does resolve things. Enjoy!**

Alex spends forty minutes in the shower, even though it doesn't help much, and she still feels just as dirty as before. The steam has fogged up her mirror, which is fine because she doesn't want to look at herself anyway.

She gets out and searches for a towel, but she can't find one. _Great_. But then there's a knock on the door and Olivia asks gently, "Alex? Can I come in?"

Well, she figures there's no point in postponing the inevitable. She needs a towel, so she's going to have to go out sometime. "Yes," she replies quietly, sounding almost defeated.

The door opens and Olivia comes in, carrying a fluffy towel. She wraps it around Alex and kisses her forehead. "I warmed it up for you."

Alex smiles to herself. Sometimes she likes to warm up her towels or her clothes before she puts them on, and it's comforting in a way. Olivia knows that, and it makes her feel a bit better. "Thanks, Liv." Suddenly, she starts to feel a little dizzy, and she perches on the edge of the bathtub and rests her head in her hands.

Olivia pushes the door more widely open so the room will cool down, then she sits beside Alex and wraps her arms around the ADA. "So, what's up? Why are we taking showers at three in the morning?"

Alex shivers and shakes her head. "I don't want to talk about it."

Olivia deflates slightly, but stands up and holds out her hand to Alex. "Come back to bed?"

It's more of a question than a statement, and Alex shakes her head. She still feels dirty. Too dirty to share a bed with Olivia, Olivia who is beautiful and wonderful and kind and caring and loving and trusting and pure. Alex doesn't deserve her. "I just want to be alone," she says softly.

Olivia cocks her head in concern. "Are you sure?"

No, she's not sure. When she's with Olivia, she's never sure of anything, even her own name sometimes. Olivia turns her world upside down and shows her the good she never would have seen otherwise. "No," she admits. "I'm not." She hesitates before making her next request. "Don't leave me, Olivia. Please don't leave me."

Olivia inhales deeply and sits back down beside Alex. "I won't, baby. I won't. I promise."

And then Alex feels bad. She sounds too vulnerable, too needy. Alex Cabot is never needy.

"Tell me what's going through your head, sweetie. Let me in," urges Olivia.

But Alex can't. "I –" she begins, and then stops, because she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what she _can _say. She just rests her head against Olivia's shoulder, forgetting for a moment that her hair is wet from the shower, but Olivia doesn't seem to mind. She just holds Alex close, gently massaging her back.

"What was your dream about?" asks Olivia.

_Oh, back to that. _Alex bows her head. "Liv . . ." She wants to tell Olivia to stop but she's scared that if she says that, Olivia actually will.

"It's okay, baby. Take your time," encourages Olivia.

Alex can't bring herself to meet Olivia's eyes. She swallows hard and concentrates on a miniscule spot on the tile floor. Finally, she manages, "My, my –" She winces, wondering why it's so hard to push out the words. "My father."

Olivia's hands still on her back. "What about him?"

She keeps her eyes down and murmurs, "Hurting me." And then she waits. The usually sharp, eloquent ADA doesn't know how to communicate her pain to Olivia.

Olivia doesn't seem particularly shocked, but that's just her detective training. She knows better than to act surprised at a revelation like this. She pauses, then asks, "Hurting you how?"

Alex can't say it. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She blinks, once, twice, trying desperately to hold back the tears. "I can't," she chokes out, her voice cracking. "I – I can't."

Olivia pulls her closer and strokes her hair, pressing a gentle kiss to Alex's temple. "Take your time. Talking helps. It's okay. I love you, Alex. It's okay."

Alex's heart skips a beat. Olivia loves her still. Then it's okay. She takes a deep breath and tells her. "From when I was three years old, my father used to come into my room at night. At first, it was just touching. And then he started to rape me. Every night until I left, when I was sixteen." She looks at the ground again. She can't look at Olivia. She doesn't want to see Olivia's reaction. "I never told anyone before." She's detaching herself from the situation, saying it as clinically as if it happened to one of their victims. But it's enough.

Olivia takes Alex's chin with her thumb and forefinger and lifts her head so they're looking right into each other's eyes. Alex is terrified. She doesn't want Olivia to hate her, and she starts to tremble. But all she can read in Olivia's sad, chocolate eyes is compassion. "You have nothing to be ashamed of," she says softly. "You know it wasn't your fault." She hugs Alex tightly to her. "You're so brave, baby. It takes a lot of strength to talk about something like this. Thank you for trusting me. I love you, Alex."

Alex can't believe it. She pinches her arm, but no, she's not dreaming, because it hurts. Olivia is being so good to her. She doesn't blame Alex or think any worse of her. She loves her.

Alex doesn't know what to say, and Olivia seems to understand, because she kisses Alex's forehead and takes her hand. "Come on," she says gently. "Come back to bed."

Almost as if she's in a daze, she follows Olivia back into the bedroom and climbs onto the bed with her.

Olivia pulls the ADA into her arms and holds her close. "I love you," she whispers again.

Alex closes her eyes and snuggles closer to Olivia. "I love you, too," she murmurs.

And for the first night in her entire life, she sleeps like a baby in Olivia's embrace.

**Okay, now it's really and truly over. Review if you enjoyed it!**


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